I Hate My Boobs

I Hate My Boobs

When I add it up, I’d bet I’ve spent hours, maybe even days, hating my boobs (too small), thighs (too big/fat), and waist/stomach (too big/soft). I won’t go into other things I’ve spent time critiquing; we’d be here all day. Those three are the main ones.

One time I found myself wondering — if, say, I woke up one day and my boobs were bigger, the “right” size, would that really make my life easier and better? Would I suddenly feel inspired to create an e-course, offer to speak at an event, or clean my house? If I had a thigh gap, when an afternoon low hit and I felt the chocolate calling, would I find myself saying “No, I don’t need that — I’ve got a thigh gap and that’s all I’ll ever need!”?

For some reason, I’m struggling to picture those scenarios actually taking place. I kind of suspect a “perfect” body isn’t going to suddenly make everything hunky dory and picture-perfect.

Maybe the energy put into hating body parts is a distraction, a way I’m sabotaging myself, because I’m afraid — afraid of sharing my first book (what is they think it’s dumb?), afraid to create an e-course (what if nobody buys it?), afraid to offer to speak (what if they say no?), afraid to actually get the house cleaning done (because then what can I complain about and use as an excuse to put off other stuff?). Certainly food for thought for me here.

If hating on my body motivated me to work out more or eat differently, I think I would have seen results already. If I really do want (or need) to make a change to my body, focusing on things that take care of me (like going to bed earlier or drinking plenty of water; or taking a deep breath and working on the e-course for 5 minutes during the day) have tended to make a difference. Weight loss has come from loving the shit out of myself rather than the other way around.

I still find myself frowning at what I see in the mirror on some days (and another post for musing on this idea of what a “perfect” body looks like and where such crappy messages come from). It’s getting a little easier to be curious when I hear the lovely (wait, I mean shitty) inner voice comment on [insert body part here] — what is really going on? Is there something I’m afraid of or avoiding? Looking from another angle has been rather eye-opening (and more helpful in making progress towards the projects I want to do!).

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