I’ve been struggling the past few weeks with writing and what to write, feeling like I shouldn’t keep sharing about times I’ve felt dumb or crazy, or mistakes I’ve made. That people are going to be tired of hearing about them. Like, come on, Robin. Get on a new topic. Get over it. So I’ve tried to stay on the side of thoughtful, interesting, informative.
It occurred to me sharply: I’ve been editing my life again — editing stuff out.
The thing is, I DO wake up feeling kind of crappy a fair amount of the time (or start feeling cranky midway through the day). My head and/or body feel out of whack, I feel off in a relationship, or maybe I feel sluggish and puffy. Maybe I met someone new the previous day and am wondering today if I sounded like an idiot with a greeting or anything I said. Or maybe I hung out with a friend and am wondering if I didn’t listen well enough, if maybe I talked too much and hogged the time. I’m wondering where I might have done something “bad” or “wrong” that needs to be fixed. I’m focused on what I didn’t get done the day (or week) before. I feel OFF.
Pretty much all I see is a pile of things I haven’t done and mistakes I’ve made. This is my view, my reality in the moment. And then I start a fight, telling myself I need to “get over it” and “think positive” and other incredibly annoying self-help-type phrases. Not helpful. At all.
Now, I’m getting better at spending a lot less time feeling out of whack and off. I do get out faster.* However, it still happens. Regularly. (And I’ve been thinking: I shouldn’t keep sharing this!)
It struck me that if my goal in my writing is to be real and honest, then I actually need to be real and honest. Editing out what I feel like talking about is not being honest with myself.
So there’s that realization.
Then I thought more on regular feelings of stuckness; musings on this:
I used to think I was failing because I kept feeling off regularly, because I kept finding myself stuck in this “you suck” mud pit. (And the voice still pipes up to try and get me thinking this; some days I believe it for a while, as I have recently.)
I’m learning (and relearning) that fighting however I’m feeling keeps me stuck. Trying to wrap the feelings all up into a neat and tidy bow or somehow get them all cleaned up to make me (or others) “feel better” is another way to stay stuck. Sometimes I just feel off and things just don’t feel good.
What if I don’t need to “fix” things?
I’m wondering if not feeling good is more a sign that I’m doing something I don’t need to be doing or spending my time in a place that doesn’t serve, and that it’s an indicator to focus elsewhere. If I keep trying to make everything neat and tidy, I typically end up shoving myself down to “make it all smooth and better”. This may feel good in the moment but doesn’t ultimately feel good. I know this. I’ve tried smoothing many, many times.
I have it written down and posted in numerous places where I regularly look so hopefully I’ll remember it more quickly each time: Getting stuck and feeling off doesn’t mean we’re bad, broken, crazy, or anything. It means we are human. And the feeling off? An indicator to shift what we’re doing or change what we’re focusing on.
The more I live, the more I get that we all have our struggles. So it also comes to mind that other people probably have regular off days too, and to acknowledge them might be helpful. Just writing this post right now is proving helpful to me.
*On the getting out end, I’m continuing to be reminded that my morning self-care routine is freakin’ mission critical. I used to feel so selfish taking the time. Now I realize that I’m doing the world a disservice by skipping it. The world is better off after I’ve done some exercise.
Alrighty — that’s what I’ve got for today. Go and do something that makes you feel great. I will too.