I’m learning to manage myself.
It’s not about making myself do things I don’t want to do (for the most part) or trying to be who I think I “should” be or the like. It’s about becoming more of who I am. If I could explain that somehow better I would, though I’m not sure what other words to use. It’s like a process of peeling an onion — finding layer after layer of who I thought I was and then seeing the stuff doesn’t really fit anymore (and some of it never did, though I thought it should at some point).
It’s about finding what I like and what I want (and what I don’t), and what works for me (and what doesn’t). It’s a rather interesting, enlightening, and sometimes painstakingly frustrating process. When I take a step back and look at it all, it’s actually kind of fun. I’m learning a lot.
It’s interesting — I see that I’ve apologized for years, whether directly or indirectly.Slowly, oh so slowly, I’m realizing I don’t need to apologize for my choices (or my life). The most recent big thing that comes to mind is how I’ve apologized for being a mom — as though my kids are this inconvenience I need to work around. Yeah, realizing that has been an eye-opener.
On the day-to-day personal management, I’m reminded most every morning of how critical my morning routine is (writing, exercise, stretching, meditation, smoothie). And it’s not that it can’t be modified or changed. Rather, it’s that the time needs to be taken. (And it’s much, much, much more likely it’ll happen if I do it first thing in the day.)
It’s kind of funny, when I first started to do something consistently in the morning and realized I NEEDED to do it for the whole person health end (mental and emotional health included), I felt like I needed to apologize to my husband and my kids for taking the time. Now I see the only apology needed is if I don’t take the time. Then we all suffer.
I work out the wonkies and knit myself together for the day during this time. Sometimes I’ll have a few minutes where it all seems so torturous to do, and then the intensity and pain will start to dissipate and my brain will get a lot more clear. The time helps me realize where I’m BS-ing myself and/or others, when I need to let something go, and when something actually is bothering me and needs to be addressed.
The morning time helps me manage depression/health; it gives me at a solid baseline. It’s not a guarantee that I won’t ever feel off or get sick — sometimes I do. However, taking the time every day helps clear out temporary yuckness and highlights the deeper offness.
It’s interesting learning to manage myself. I didn’t learn about this in school (at least that I remember). And I see that it’s key to a good life for me. And while I suspect no one is going to come and knock on my door and hand me an award for learning how to manage myself, it’s one of the things I’m most proud of.